Cancer free
Hi everyone! As I sit here and do the math, I realize that it has been almost 4 months since I updated you all on what has been going on with me. I'm sorry that I haven't been on here more than that especially for those who don't have facebook to keep you posted. But I promise if you can make it through what promises to be a big blog entry, you will be fully updated!!
These past 4 months have been the roughest of this whole process. I would have to say that the chemo was the easiest of it all for some reason. There have been lots of ups and downs and a lot of emotional days spent running to the Father's throne room looking for comfort, guidance, and just plain ole questions of why? Last time I had posted I had just finished with chemo and was so relieved to be moving on to the next step in the whole process. That next step was surgery. From the beginning of my diagnosis I had had my mind made up to just get a mastectomy. I am so young and I wanted the best odds of this cancer never coming back and to living a long healthy life. I was fine with that decision until the time actually came, when it was looming in the very near future. I spent a week and a half agonizing over what to do. Every time I thought about a part of me missing, it was just unfathomable. So in the end Aaron and I both felt a peace about going forward with a lumpectomy instead. The tumor had shrunk enough from the chemo that Dr Peterson felt that she could get it all. The test would be to see if she could get clear margins the first time in. To get clear margins the surgeon has to go in and take out a margin of tissue around the tumor that is cancer free. This can be very tricky to do because the tumor is not a smooth round shape and has parts that stick out. A lot of times they have to go in a second time to take more, but Praise the Lord she was successful the first time. The troubling news was that of the 19 lymph nodes that she removed, 13 of them were positive for cancer. This really sent me for a loop. We had thought that only 2 or 3 were involved, so hearing that 13 were, and that was after chemo so there very well may have been more, really sent me spiraling. This pushed me up to a stage 3 cancer and makes my percentage for recurrence go up. All the questions of why God came to surface. I felt like my life was being ripped from me. To be very honest in the beginning, though I was scared, I really thought that my cancer was no big deal. I would get through treatment and life would go on. But hearing the news of so many lymph nodes involved hit home and those feelings of insecurity and depression set in. Why God would you allow so many nodes to be involved? Why hadn't you brought healing to my body? Where are you? Am I going to live a long life? So many questions, lots of time spent praying and in the word looking for answers. One day when I was having a really rough day I opened my bible to Psalms 16 and this is what I read, "Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup, you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Cool yeah? This is a verse that I have been coming back to again and again for encouragement when I am feeling down. I feel like this is God's promise to me.
I have since then also gone through and finished 33 rounds of radiation therapy which took about 7 weeks. This was a simple process. I would go in every morning Monday through Friday lay down on this table with this round machine above me that would move to different angles. I saw nothing, I felt nothing and literally laid there for maybe 5 minutes and then I would be done and off to get on with the rest of my day. The only side affects were that it made me really fatigued and my skin got irritated like if you were to get a sunburn.
Soooo at my last oncology appointment, Dr. Tamura gave me the all clear and said that I have had a total response to my treatment and am officially cancer free! I have come to learn that though treatment is done, it really isn't... I now move on to taking Tamoxifen for the next five years. This is to suppress my estrogen and lower my recurrence rates. I will also continue to see my oncologist every 3 months and have MRI's every 6.
It has been 8 months, 2 week, and 3 days since the beginning of this journey began. It has been an amazing journey so far. I look back and can see the answers to the questions that I have asked along the way. He created a desperation in me for Him. He brought me to a place where I could rely on no one or on anything other than Him. My relationship with Him has deepened and has gone to a whole new level. I have gone from running to everyone around me for comfort to running to Him first and foremost when my day is going bad or when I am feeling sad and depressed. As I look back I can say that I honestly can see his hand on me through every aspect of this journey. It hasn't been easy, and even now after the cancer is gone, I am still struggling but the difference is I now turn to Him, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to bring me the comfort that I need in those moments. I feel like I've spent so much time in my life going through the motions, meaning well and loving Jesus, but the realness wasn't there like it should have been. And what I have to say is Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to not allow me to settle for anything less than the real me with the real you.
A cool little story to end this and to show you God's love and faithfulness. Since I have finished cancer treatment I have been feeling a little depressed. They say that that is very natural after coming through something so emotional and physically draining. Yesterday in my quiet time I asked God if He would come and show me Himself in a real and tangible way. A way that I would know without a shadow of a doubt that He is with me and is loving on me. So today as I was getting ready to get the kids from school I noticed something sticking out of my mailbox. It was a beautiful sunflower wrapped in green tissue with an envelope attached. On the envelope it said for me to check out Martina McBrides song I'm gonna love you through it on youtube. There was also a card that said "He loves you extravagantly" and a thousand dollars in cash. Talk about being blown away, and then I went inside and watched the video and I lost it. It talks about a women diagnosed with cancer at a young age and has three kids to still watch grow up and how He will be with you in the lows and will love you through it all. I asked and how amazing that He answered me in such a beautiful way. He LOVEs me!!
Thank you all for all of your prayers, your words of encouragement, your financial blessings. I have been blown away by how loved I truly am. I love you all and words can not convey how much I appreciate you all in my life!! So my prayer now is that we would all learn to live life on purpose and not settle for anything less than what God has for each and everyone of us.
These past 4 months have been the roughest of this whole process. I would have to say that the chemo was the easiest of it all for some reason. There have been lots of ups and downs and a lot of emotional days spent running to the Father's throne room looking for comfort, guidance, and just plain ole questions of why? Last time I had posted I had just finished with chemo and was so relieved to be moving on to the next step in the whole process. That next step was surgery. From the beginning of my diagnosis I had had my mind made up to just get a mastectomy. I am so young and I wanted the best odds of this cancer never coming back and to living a long healthy life. I was fine with that decision until the time actually came, when it was looming in the very near future. I spent a week and a half agonizing over what to do. Every time I thought about a part of me missing, it was just unfathomable. So in the end Aaron and I both felt a peace about going forward with a lumpectomy instead. The tumor had shrunk enough from the chemo that Dr Peterson felt that she could get it all. The test would be to see if she could get clear margins the first time in. To get clear margins the surgeon has to go in and take out a margin of tissue around the tumor that is cancer free. This can be very tricky to do because the tumor is not a smooth round shape and has parts that stick out. A lot of times they have to go in a second time to take more, but Praise the Lord she was successful the first time. The troubling news was that of the 19 lymph nodes that she removed, 13 of them were positive for cancer. This really sent me for a loop. We had thought that only 2 or 3 were involved, so hearing that 13 were, and that was after chemo so there very well may have been more, really sent me spiraling. This pushed me up to a stage 3 cancer and makes my percentage for recurrence go up. All the questions of why God came to surface. I felt like my life was being ripped from me. To be very honest in the beginning, though I was scared, I really thought that my cancer was no big deal. I would get through treatment and life would go on. But hearing the news of so many lymph nodes involved hit home and those feelings of insecurity and depression set in. Why God would you allow so many nodes to be involved? Why hadn't you brought healing to my body? Where are you? Am I going to live a long life? So many questions, lots of time spent praying and in the word looking for answers. One day when I was having a really rough day I opened my bible to Psalms 16 and this is what I read, "Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup, you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Cool yeah? This is a verse that I have been coming back to again and again for encouragement when I am feeling down. I feel like this is God's promise to me.
I have since then also gone through and finished 33 rounds of radiation therapy which took about 7 weeks. This was a simple process. I would go in every morning Monday through Friday lay down on this table with this round machine above me that would move to different angles. I saw nothing, I felt nothing and literally laid there for maybe 5 minutes and then I would be done and off to get on with the rest of my day. The only side affects were that it made me really fatigued and my skin got irritated like if you were to get a sunburn.
Soooo at my last oncology appointment, Dr. Tamura gave me the all clear and said that I have had a total response to my treatment and am officially cancer free! I have come to learn that though treatment is done, it really isn't... I now move on to taking Tamoxifen for the next five years. This is to suppress my estrogen and lower my recurrence rates. I will also continue to see my oncologist every 3 months and have MRI's every 6.
It has been 8 months, 2 week, and 3 days since the beginning of this journey began. It has been an amazing journey so far. I look back and can see the answers to the questions that I have asked along the way. He created a desperation in me for Him. He brought me to a place where I could rely on no one or on anything other than Him. My relationship with Him has deepened and has gone to a whole new level. I have gone from running to everyone around me for comfort to running to Him first and foremost when my day is going bad or when I am feeling sad and depressed. As I look back I can say that I honestly can see his hand on me through every aspect of this journey. It hasn't been easy, and even now after the cancer is gone, I am still struggling but the difference is I now turn to Him, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to bring me the comfort that I need in those moments. I feel like I've spent so much time in my life going through the motions, meaning well and loving Jesus, but the realness wasn't there like it should have been. And what I have to say is Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to not allow me to settle for anything less than the real me with the real you.
A cool little story to end this and to show you God's love and faithfulness. Since I have finished cancer treatment I have been feeling a little depressed. They say that that is very natural after coming through something so emotional and physically draining. Yesterday in my quiet time I asked God if He would come and show me Himself in a real and tangible way. A way that I would know without a shadow of a doubt that He is with me and is loving on me. So today as I was getting ready to get the kids from school I noticed something sticking out of my mailbox. It was a beautiful sunflower wrapped in green tissue with an envelope attached. On the envelope it said for me to check out Martina McBrides song I'm gonna love you through it on youtube. There was also a card that said "He loves you extravagantly" and a thousand dollars in cash. Talk about being blown away, and then I went inside and watched the video and I lost it. It talks about a women diagnosed with cancer at a young age and has three kids to still watch grow up and how He will be with you in the lows and will love you through it all. I asked and how amazing that He answered me in such a beautiful way. He LOVEs me!!
Thank you all for all of your prayers, your words of encouragement, your financial blessings. I have been blown away by how loved I truly am. I love you all and words can not convey how much I appreciate you all in my life!! So my prayer now is that we would all learn to live life on purpose and not settle for anything less than what God has for each and everyone of us.
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