Ba bye chemo!

As I was thinking about the title for this blog I was reading through Psalm 91 which is a chapter that my sister gave me back when the lump was just a lump, and the beginning of vs 14 starts, "Because he loves me."  Ok so this verse isn't talking about God but rather me, but the statement really does go both ways and man has He been showing me His love.  Who would have thought that I would have cancer, me?  But God is showing me that even with cancer, even in this season that not one person in their right mind would wish for, He does love me and He does want to shelter me from it and yes He even wants to see me healed of it.  I am deserving of His love, and I am special and singled out by Him. I don't know why I struggle with the Father's love for me but I believe He is using this season of my life to reaffirm that love.  So hence "Because He loves me!"    

Most of you know that back in May I was diagnosed with stage 2 or 3 (depending on what doctor you talk to!) breast cancer.  Talk about a shocker.  I for one am only 35 and there is no history of it in my family.  Walking out of that mammogram/ultra sound appointment I was surprisingly calm, well until I got Aaron on the phone and told him, then it was all hysterics!  Through this experience I have learned that God gives us His overwhelming peace but that there is a catch....you have to decide to walk in it.  I have had my moments like when they confirmed it was cancer, or when our first oncologist (he is no longer our oncologist!) told us it could very possibly be stage 4 with no cure, when I had little freak out sessions, but I really have been fine, no actually I have been good.  God's grace and peace that is so needed at this time in my life is definitely there and it has made me a stronger, more enduring, more confident in Him woman.  I think we are all stronger than we think, and it is these kinds of circumstances that come up in our lives where we get to see just how strong we are.  It might shock you what you can endure and with what attitude cause I know it has shocked me.  

The family is doing good.  I have THEE most amazing husband in the world!!  He is hanging in there and taking care of me and this family.  We are keeping things as normal as possible in our house.  The kids know that I am sick (though we don't use cancer to describe it) and that it will take lots of doctor visits and lots of medicine and time to get better.  Keala was a bit distraught about me loosing my hair but I was able to cheer her up by coming wig shopping with us!  

I have just finished my second cycle of six chemotherapy treatments.  I go once every three weeks to get it administered, so I should be done the end of October and then from there I will be having surgery regardless of whether the lump is gone or not and then some radiation therapy to finish it off.  I have bounced back pretty quickly from the first two chemo sessions though the second one definitely left me more tired and my white cell count did go down a little.  There have been side effects but they have been manageable so far.  I usually have about two weeks of feeling "normal" in every cycle before they hit me again with the chemo.  I also was blessed to be hooked up to a naturopathic doctor who works out of UCLA with the oncology department there who has me on a bunch of supplements and healthy diet to also combat the cancer.  We were stoked too because she is currently doing a research study on breast cancer in women 35 and younger so I got a huge discount in my appointments with her.    

I am a firm believer that God didn't give me cancer.  Cancer just happens, it's a part of life.  What I do believe and know is that Jesus loves me enough that He will allow me to walk through tough times in life to shape and mold me and to make me into a better version of me, a closer version of what I should look like with Him reflected through me.  Sometimes we need to be thrown off course, a course that may be stuck in a loop of replaying the same habits over and over again habits that never really allow us to  advance forward to reach our full potential a place I really think I was stuck in.  This season in life is definitely forcing me to rely solely on the Lord, I have absolutely no control over the situation but can only leave it in the Father's hands.  I will not allow this cancer to shake me in my faith, or to rob me of joy or peace.  What I will allow it to do is draw me closer to the Father, to allow it to force me to go deeper in my trust and in my relationship with Him.  I'll tell you I just  can't seem to leave a worship session dry eyed these days.  There is such a new meaning and depth for me when singing all of those songs of God's grace, and love, and healing power.  My prayer in this time is that I would not come out of this as the same person who went into it.  My prayer is that those around me would see and known the goodness of God, to know that He loves us all, and that He will never leave us at any time in life if we give our lives over to Him completely.  It says in Psalm 91:4, "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge;  His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."  There have been many time already that I have used this verse, picturing myself all curled up under the protection of His wing allowing him to shield me from all this junky cancer and side effects.  

You all have been absolutely amazing!  I have felt so loved, and so blessed by all of your support and prayer.  I literally have thousands of people all over the world praying for me and wow does that have power!  Thank you so much all for loving me!  And keep those prayers coming!!

So I still have a bit of a road ahead of me.....but you know what?  God's got me!  And I just need to take rest in the fact of that statement.