Ba bye chemo!

Wow a month has almost gone by since my last post.  There is lots to catch up on!  I have since finished round three and four of my chemo regiment and let me say they were not without hiccups along the way.  Round three was really tough for me, the nausea was horrible.  I felt like I was pregnant all over again with that need to eat all the time yet nothing would satisfy that feeling of needing to almost throw up....yet no baby in the end, bummer...!  I also had to go to the ER due to my hands, feet, face, and eyes swelling up.  They gave me a CT to rule out a very rare and serious complication with the port and  blood clots.  The scans came back clear and my oncologist said that it was likely an allergic reaction so he put me on steroids and benedryl and that did the trick.  For round four I got on top of the nausea and started taking the nausea meds before I felt sick and yes!  No nausea.  I though again was rushed to the ER one night when my throat started to swell shut, that was a little scary.  The kids thought it was fun, as we rushed out of the house with no shoes and Israel shirtless.  I could hear Keala in the backseat telling the boys all about what the ER looked like from her stay there last year due to a UTI.  I'm so glad that the kids have been able to stay unphased by all of the chaos due to the cancer.  Their teachers even commented on how they seemed unaffected by it all when we stopped in to give them the lo down on what was going on in our home life right now.  Anyways they shot me up with a good dose of benedryl and wow did that help.  So again I had an allergic reaction and my oncologist says that is more than likely that it is due to the one chemo drug Taxotere that they are giving me.  I now have to go everywhere with an epi pen just in case I have another reaction which they say can be more severe with each one.  My cute husband calls and texts all day long just to make sure I am doing ok and to remind me to have my epi pen on me ALL the time!  Because of the added steroids and benedryl that they once again gave me for the reaction I stayed in that ugh icky hazy fog for a longer period of time which drives me close to insanity.  If I have another reaction this next time my doctor is wanting to change my chemo to another drug.  A drug that my first oncologist wanted me on which is really hard on the heart and it actually isn't proven as to whether it really helps my kind of cancer.  If you could all please be praying for no allergic reactions, and no more bumps in the road during these last two chemo sessions.  I want to finish and just be done with it and want it to go as smoothly as possible.

This last month has been such a struggle for me.  I've hit and left behind the half way point in the first step on the road to health and I've been asking myself what I feel like God is doing in my life.  Do I feel a change?  Am I doing enough?  Am I where I should be?  What else should I be doing to make sure I don't leave this experience unchanged?  I've been really wrestling with it, so confused as to what the answer to all those questions are.  And last night I finally realized my answer.  I was at a worship night at my friend Rem's house with a bunch of amazing women and the Lord kept coming back to me with the words "Rest" and "Love." At the beginning of this season my friend Chris Lautsbaugh sent me his new book on Grace called, "Death of The Modern SuperHero (How grace breaks our rules)."  Great book that we all should read no matter where you are in your walk with Christ.  It of course is all about grace, but it talks about grace and what it truly means in God's eyes.  Which means there is absolutely NOTHING that you can do to merit that grace other than accept Him as your personal Lord and Savior and live in relationship with Him.  Again nothing that I do or do not do will make me more or less deserving of that grace, it is already mine,  I already live under it as a child of God.  My whole relationship with Christ growing up as a pastor/missionaries kid has always been to look, and be a certain way.  I'm always feeling guilty about not spending enough time in the word, or in prayer, always striving and never hitting the mark that I have set for myself.  That has left me with a very robotic relationship with the Lord in my opinion.  I know the things of God, have experienced them, but when it comes to my personal relationship part, it feels stale and sometimes so superficial.  I think this season in my life is to fall in love with Him all over again  There is no formula, there is nothing that I can do but truly rest and allow Him to do the work in my life.  My first inkling even when I type this is but yes, but I have to do.......but sometimes I really think we don't have to, we need to learn not to even.  So now I feel much better, and I'm not going to live in fear that I am not doing enough, because God is Huge and in control of my life.

So I have two chemo sessions left which I am NOT looking forward to at all, but there is an end in sight.  On Monday Aaron and I will be flying out to Minnesota for four days for my surgery consult.  I've mentioned a little in earlier blogs about needing to go out of state for my surgery because Hawaii doesn't do the procedure that I would like.  This means a lot of money is needed because we would be choosing to leave our insurance provider network in Hawaii where it could all be covered.  Instead only 70% will be now covered of eligible costs.  Aaron and I spent some time really praying about what God would have us do, whether it would be to stay here and settle for another surgery or whether to pursue going to the mainland to have the surgery I want.  Aaron felt like God was saying that we have not because we ask not and that we just needed to ask Him for what we would like.  So we did and two days later we received an email that all medical costs would be covered.  God wants to give us the best, Amen?!  Amen.  Because of the amount of time between surgery and recovering enough to fly, there would be about a month of being in Minnesota.  Soooo because that is way too long of a time to be away from my babies we have also decided to take them with us.  Their school has already given us the ok and will work with us to keep them current.  This will be a fun trip for them as they haven't been back to see their cousins and friends since we moved back to Hawaii three and a half years ago.  Sshhh....though they don't know yet!  Because we are taking the family we will need to raise around $4500.00 to take them with us and live for a month in Minnesota.  We are shooting for a mid November surgery.

So for prayer  if you could please be praying for provision of funds for the family,  a smooth last two rounds of chemo, and a good surgery consult next week that would be so much appreciated.  Being covered in so much prayer has made all of the difference for me.  And again thank you so much to all who have left messages on my facebook, or cards in the mail, or texts and emails.  I love getting them all and feel so loved by you all.  I have the best friends and family in the world!